Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Requiem for the Hangover of a Canadian Immigrant - Original Song # 36

Eleven months in
Still finding your place
You cheer for the Habs
Watch The Amazing Race

The kids have made friends
Learned some French, ate Subway
But you cannot find work
And you have just four weeks’ grace

Lo and behold
It’s Canada Day
The PM looks lost touring a tipi in the rain
The natives around you
No flags do they wave
Just beers and grilled beef
And a look of disdain

Don’t fly your flag so mighty
So high
Don’t mix bloody Caesars
With ginger and rye

Know that at the root
Of every symbol is some lie
Don’t mix bloody Caesars
With ginger and rye

The cure for your hangover
If you haven’t yet clued-in
Comes from filtered Florida OJ,
Picked by Mexican migrants
Mixed with Brita-filtered water
(Thanks to the Germans)
And a Samsung-brewed coffee
Picked by Indonesian kids

If the Maple Leaf still means
Anything worth a fight
It’s writ ‘tween the lines
Of that Charter of Rights

So don’t hang your patriotism
On a populist rant
On a tax-payer’s gripe
Or an immigrant’s back

- 30 -

Monday, April 17, 2017

Amazing CHé

Amazing CHé
How sweet the sound
Of Habs fans leaving their seats

In the K, he was lost
But with the CH, was found
We give praise to Bergevin

'Twas Captain K that taught
The PP to click
Leko and BBQ, my fears relieved
How precious did that CHé appear
The OT I first believed

Through many Rangers, and Arrogant Fuckface
Our boys have already come
'Tis TFS that brought us play-offs thus far
And CJv2 will lead us CHome

Lord Stanley has promised a Cup to the team
That 16 playoff wins secures
It will the CH goal and passion be
As long as the game endures

When we've been there in 24 other years
Parades shining in the June sun
We've measured days left to ride TFS's saves
Boys, now, let's get it done

Amazing Shea
How sweet the sound
Of Rags getting soundly checked
For PFK, we had love
But now, BBQ and CHé
And the return of SuperPleXXX

Thursday, March 16, 2017

If Y(emelin) Should Fall From Grace with Claude (apologies to the Pogues)

If Y Should Fall from Grace with Claude
After being cleanly beaten
If Y’s muscled off the puck
And his passes fail completely

Let him sit Claude, let him sit Claude
Let Y sit up with the press where the hotdogs come with fries

This Cup was always ours 
Was the pride of Montrealers
It belongs to the Habs
Not to any of Buttman’s fuckers
It’s coming back here boys, coming back here boys!
Dump the Buttman in the south where the hockey fans run dry

Keep GCHuck at C
Let those Forum ghosts direct him
If he shoots from open ice
KidA or LB will deflect them
Into the goal boys, into the goal boys!
Win this town a twenty-fifth Cup
Where the Frenchmen used to fly

If Y Should Fall from Grace with Claude
After being cleanly beaten
Harley’s raring to go
And he passes pretty cleanly

Let him sit Claude, let him sit Claude
Let Y sit up with the press where the hotdogs come with fries



Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Winter's Coming (apologies to Arcade Fire and their Neighbourhoods #1 (Tunnels)

And if the snow buries my CH neighbourhood
And if Che is flying
Then he'll saucer a pass
From his stick blade to PatCHes
Yeah, a pass, from his stick blade to PatCHes

KidA has climbed out of the cellar
And skated up the middle
The middle of the ice
And since there's no one but the goalie around
He'll stay in the blue paint long
And forget how how he used to blow
And then his skin gets thicker
From spraying that goalie with snow

You changed all the lead
In that rebuilt hand
As the puck comes in
KidA shovels it right in

Then Julien tried to fix our PK
Cuz Price had forgotten the way to
The way to shut teams down
But somehow, TFS remembered his goalposts
And how to cover his five-hole
And his catlike trapper hand
Then, the D remembered how to skate strong
And how to cover the man

MB changed all the smurfs
Getting knocked around
As the trades came in
King and Thor came thundering

Purify the CHolours, beef up the 4th line
Purify the CHolours, put scorers in the top two lines
And spread the ashes of Arrogant Fuckface
Over this CHeart of mine!


- 30 -

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Yes we are all going to die

NATO is not something that can be brazenly referred to as obsolete in a brief missive by the PEOTUS in the days before assuming office. The shockwaves of uncertainty generated from't (especially lacking any spark of contextualization) are far greater than the capacity of the planet to withstand. Geo-politically speaking, war has been declared on the very basis of international relations. The most extraordinary buffoon since Fyodor Karamazov now holds our collective fate in his ignorant, tweet-happy hands. And yet here we are.